I have passed through over two weeks of intense illness. Many sleepless nights passed amid the tortuous upheavals of childhood fears, all about death. I had asthma as a child and lived through many almost dying experiences. The programming that was associated with death was not fun, and I have not wanted to replay it. But, the replay button was pushed and it was stuck.
The fears were many: ceasing existence, total blackness, stopping of consciousness, painful suffocation, burning in hell. I remember one night as a young boy when I called my father into my room because I was so scared. I asked him to tell me about heaven. He responded by explaining it was a place with golden streets and more lovely things. That was heaven.
The alternative, the house of horror, HELL, was described by my catholic mother’s church, in which I began my religious programming. The baptists, my father’s church, which I was moved to at about age 6, were equally clear about motivating christian behavior in order to avoid burning eternally. Both had little doubt about the fact that if you weren’t a member of their church, you were going to hell.
So there is a bit of a start on the information that was loaded into the software package labeled the youngster Ken. That was enough to motivate an entire life as a seeker. I had to figure it out. Who is going to hell, and what about this benevolent God? Is there a right way? What was the truth?
The search has led through so much information and experience. Each chapter had a new title, and I embraced each type and kind of programming as completely I as I could. One truth rose and then it died. Another swept in, only to end in bewilderment. Most recently, I have embraced Advaita and Human Design. During my recent illness I started exposing myself to Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys. Lovely stuff.
My present awareness has been altered by the considerations of the last few weeks. It seems clearer to me now that I don’t know. Life is an amazing and unfathomable mystery.
The fear of the child is so strong, until it is allowed to release, that we are willing to believe the craziest shit. Even die for it. It was too scary for me not to know. Now I know that I just don’t know. Unlimited expansion is possible. The end of consciousness that I feared, is more like the end of the complete identification with this one called Ken. It is consciousness that I am.